My little garden is becoming quite the therapeutic activity for me.
It occurred to me the other day that my vegetable garden is healing me in a way I never expected it to. On so many levels too. It nourishes my mind, my soul and my heart (and in the fall, it’ll nourish my body too!)
I started my garden with a bit of a weary heart, as I wasn’t planning on doing one this year as I assumed I would have a newborn and that I would be far too busy. By deciding to do the garden, I had to admit to myself (and the world) that my plans didn’t happen at all and now that I don’t have a baby, I might as well do a garden after all. As you may recall from a past post, I worked super hard to buy all of my supplies, till the soil, plant the vegetables and have enough hope that it would not be for nothing. That was the hardest part. I’m not a very hopeful person these days.
But here we are, approaching the end of June, and I must say, the garden is thriving. I have been consistently going out to the garden each day and inspecting my plants, noticing new leaves, and pulling out weeds. I have watered them, put in support stands for them and appreciated their beauty.
These last few weeks I have noticed myself going out to the garden when my heart hurts too much, when I am stressed or very anxious. When I go outside, I feel like I am parenting again, as I am completely in charge of whether that garden lives or dies. I find myself calming down the same way I calm down when Avi enters a room and I have been crying but I need to hide it. The garden triggers my patience, my love and my true self – which happens to be a hopeful woman at heart.
It also brings out my grief too. I think about Manav when I’m out there as I’m not staring at my phone, or the TV, or a computer. I’m not cooking, cleaning, driving or talking. I am just being present. The garden forces me to slow down and it brings me back to reality. That reality is often as simple as noticing that my tomato plant has a new branch, or my zucchini has a new bloom growing. I realize that time is moving slowly, and that even if it is slow, it is still beautiful and necessary to go slow for a reason.
The garden makes me feel proud. I am happy seeing the progress out there, and enjoying the mysterious nature of this earth. I feel glad that something is growing and changing, just like me. It reminds me of my pregnancy with my kids, and how no matter how long or short the pregnancy was, I was always so happy and excited about the changes and progress of my little dependents.
This week I saw a tiny pepper, a tiny tomato and a tiny zucchini emerge. After weeks of waiting, I am seeing evidence of my plants doing what they were supposed to do. I am seeing little baby vegetables coming out and it fills me with joy! I feel like seeing my garden take this crucial step towards success is resetting my negative soul that only believes bad things will happen to any goal I set. I am seeing proof now that sometimes, things really do just happen the way we intend them to. Sometimes, things work out. Even with me.
In other parts of the garden, new flowers are popping up everywhere. It is thanks to my lovely neighbour, who generously let me take her extra perennials last summer and transplant them into my yard. They all died and I felt bad, but they are all coming back this year and I had totally forgotten about them. You know the best part? I was pregnant with Manav when I planted those flowers. I was in my first trimester and I was so sick but I desperately wanted a flower-filled garden for Avi so I planted lots of cuttings and I am so glad I did! Seeing those flowers bloom all around me makes me feel like my child is here with me, and enjoying the peace as much as I am. I love it.
So I’m going to try and have a little more faith in the universe. I’m going to try and smell the proverbial roses and to breathe in nature and exhale the negativity inside me. I’ll keep you posted on the progress of the tomatoes. I know you’ll be dying to know!
Still Breathing For You 