It’s been a few months since my last post. Too many emotions and life changes to let me slow down enough to put it into words. But tonight, I want to talk to my daughter…
To my little girl,
As I lie here in the hospital at 38 weeks and 1 day, I am reflecting on your life and the impact you’ve had on me. This induction process is long and difficult, and I cannot sleep because I’m too excited to meet you.
The thought of you still seems so surreal to me; I can’t believe you’re inside me and getting ready to come out! For the last few months, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions…from surviving the one year mark of your brother’s passing, to moving houses, ending work and getting through the 32 week mark with you. Despite the fears, stress and anxiety, here you are, kicking inside me and stubbornly refusing to come out. It doesn’t seem real.
There are dozens of people who are anxiously awaiting your arrival into this world. Avi is thrilled he is going to have a sister, your daddy has been busy dreaming about you and I – I have dared to join him in daydreaming that you will one day be safe in our arms. It terrifies me and gives me a thrill all at once; the thought of you is too beautiful and too perfect but yet you continue to grow and thrive…each day I have a little more hope and a little less fear.
Tonight is most likely the last night that we share my body. Tomorrow I feel certain I will get to finally lay my eyes on you and hold you tight as I sob with sweet relief. You have saved me. You have given me hope again that life can be beautiful. You have taught me to look towards my future and to not fear it. I’m so grateful for this gift.
As I sit here in the middle of the night, I realize how far I’ve come since the last time I was in a labour room. I see how much I’ve grown as a mother, and how much doesn’t matter to me anymore. You’ve taught me resilience, strength, patience and innocence. You have no idea what we have gone through. You have no idea what we endured. But you will know joy, security, beauty and love. You will get to be enveloped in all this love we have to give.
So please don’t make us wait too long, ok? Please make your way into this world, into my arms, into my heart. We have so much to look forward to…we have so much to give you.
I love you so much it hurts.