I can feel the slide into chaos in my world. It is like reaching the crest of a roller coaster and realizing the weight is shifting and you’re about to race to the bottom without control. I feel like I’m being pushed off a diving board without feeling ready, but desperately needing to not be on the diving board either. I can’t win!
Since my ultrasound, so much has changed. I failed my gestational diabetes test, which means that I am officially high risk and will be going on insulin. I will be only seeing my doctor from now on and not my midwife, which is disappointing but understandable. I am also now facing similar challenges that I had with Manav’s pregnancy; drastically changing and monitoring my diet whilst also having a full-time job and a young child at home. This is the chaos part!
I’ve been feeling anxious and stressed with all of these competing problems vying for my undivided attention. My job is incredibly busy and with big projects landing on my plate every few days, I am losing the battle against my to-do list. At home, my lovely vegetable garden from summer is sadly neglected as I haven’t had the strength to battle the vines and leaves and rescue my last few veggies for my harvest. Each day gets colder and shorter and it is one less day to achieve anything.
I feel so isolated. It isn’t that I don’t have support around me, but my stress isolates me from others…they don’t have to feel what I feel. They don’t realize that while my job and home are busy places, my body is also a busy place too. My pelvis aches, my ankles are puffy and I can’t get comfortable to sleep at night. My baby is growing and my wardrobe options are shrinking. My brain is constantly buzzing with questions and problems that I can’t fix. It would take me hours to fully disclose this to my loved ones…there’s just too much.
I go in to the hospital on November 3rd for a full morning education session with the diabetes clinic and they will teach me how to administer insulin and what the game plan is. I also see my doctor at some point there too. I have to make the appointments work with my job (which they don’t!) but thankfully I have the most flexible and understanding employer who lets me juggle things around to make it fit. The consequence of this is that my work routine is all over the place; meetings need to be rescheduled, my administrative catch up time is getting eaten up by doctor’s appointments and leaving my desk covered in unfinished tasks.
Life is messy right now. It is a blur of details and dates and one day is bleeding into the next. I’m trying not to back away from it all but damn, this is so hard. This load is so heavy to carry. There is no end in sight yet.