Sweet relief

Dare I say it?

We saw our sweet little miracle baby at our ultrasound today. It was amazing! This baby was moving and kicking and I just stared in disbelief that this little life was really inside of me. My womb has been a graveyard for Manav, but now, I got to see that there is new life emerging in that very place – it was so bittersweet. It made me miss Manav so much, but it really hammered in the truth that with grief there is also hope now. Undeniable hope.

Seeing baby didn’t make me cry…I didn’t feel emotions well up in me the way I thought I would. Instead, I felt stunned. I still do. It is as if I have forgotten how to believe in life. I understand it on an intellectual level, but not an emotional one yet. Emotionally, I still feel frozen.

I am slowly letting my mind grasp this idea that I will need to come to terms with this child impacting my life in one way or another. This baby is undeniably real to me now. I can’t keep shutting down like this. I need to figure out how to love this baby the way I did my other ones and let myself have permission to feel joy again. It just feels so foreign to me.

I hope to feel the warm rush of maternal love flood my soul very soon. I live for my children and I would die for them. This one needs to know that too. I just need to accept that I am a mother of six now!

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